When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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