I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
