I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
