I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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