haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
