dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
