I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Someone shit on the floor
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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