Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
