Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he fucked my hip out of place.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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