Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
