He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
