I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize