I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
