Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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