In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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