I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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