I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
