Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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