I wanna passion pit in your ass
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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