i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just want to make out with him forever
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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