I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize