oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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