he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
