My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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