totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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