Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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