oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
