I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
