She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
