Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
