Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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