It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
