She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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