I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize