We should be called the Road Head Warriors
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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