I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize