I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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