I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
