Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
