made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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