Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
