Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
