Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
