I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
