I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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