You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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