turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
