I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
