dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
