Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
