Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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