At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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