Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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