I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
