I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
