I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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