Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
