she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize