so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
