hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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