Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
What a dumb baby whore.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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