Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
