Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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