I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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